Dear Ruochong,

These links may interest you:

• Improving Social Engagement and Initiations between Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder and Their Peers in Inclusive Settings
• Strategies for Improving the Social Integration of Children with Asperger's Syndrome
• What Can Help Improve Social Interaction and Development?

https://www.autismspeaks.org/sites/default/files/documents/family-services/improve_social.pdf

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4199304/

http://www.tonyattwood.com.au/books-by-tony-m/archived-papers/72-strategies-for-improving-the-social-integration-of-children-with-aspergers-syndrome

From what your describe, interacting with people, speaking with people, affectionate, reciprocates emotions, why think he's autistic? Maybe he's just intelligent. If he's an only child, at 3 1/2 years old, he might find adults more fun to communicate with than other children. I think this is normal for only children or even first born children, at that age.

If a child is intelligent, especially at an age where they are still doing their own thing rather than imitating the behavior of their peers (and certainly 3 years old qualifies), that child may very well not be interested in what his peers are doing. He might just look quizzically at other kids his age, almost like he's wondering what this funny creature might be.

In fact, at 3 years old, there isn't all that much "playing together" yet. Playing together, at that age, is more like multiple children doing their own thing, in the same room. Not so much interaction.

I don't know what other traits you're seeing, so I might have this wrong, but I do know that I have seen perfectly smart little ones being labeled autistic for absolutely no valid reason. Just because they didn't want to play with certain other kids, at an age when they shouldn't even be expected to! Maybe he doesn't like noisy kids? Or doesn't like roughhousing? Or is otherwise not interested in what these other kids are doing, that adults are forcing him to interact with? Why should that be strange? At 3 1/2 years old, children don't pretend. If they don't like something or someone, they do not have the social skills yet, to know they have to pretend!

You might have a little budding genius there!

Dear Ruochong.

I understand well your concern about your young child. However, it may be too strong to say that a child who is sweet, affectionate, and reciprocate emotions with adults, but not with peers, demonstrates some autistic traits and behavioral features and, because of this, s/he belongs, as you say, to the "grey zone". I am not against clinical psychologists, but they often find, and may be even interested in, psychological problems, such as the autistic syndrome, the Asperger’s syndrome, and like, where they do not exit. In a nutshell, you cannot scientifically say that your child demonstrates some autistic traits. I do not think so.

As a developmental psychologist, I can assure you that it is important that children interact with peers, not only with adults. Note that children’s interactions with peers are horizontal interactions or relationships, that is, interactions between or among equal people, whereas children’s interactions with adults are vertical interactions or relationships, that is, interactions with more powerful others. Interactions between equal peers are likely to lead to an autonomous morality, a morality guided be the ideas of equality, cooperation and mutual respect. Vertical interactions are likely to lead to a heteronomous morality, a morality oriented by the ideas of fear, obedience and unilateral respect [See for this respect, the seminal book of Jean Piaget (1932). The moral judgment of the child]. This is but an example that show us how important it is for a child to socialize with peers.

Other RG authors provide you with valuable links related to the improvement of social engagement, integration, and the like. Some of them refer to the Autistic Syndrome or the Asperger's Syndrome, which may not be the case of your young child. Has your child a young brother/sister, cousin, or other young relative? It is easier for a young child to socialize with his young relatives than with “strange” relatives. And why not invite young relatives to come to your house from time to time such that your child can socialize with them. In what follows I provide you some informal suggestions so as to foster your young’s or older children’ development and education in emotional, social, interpersonal, prosocial, and moral terms. Though informal, such suggestions are based on scientific research. Here they go.  

(1)  Never commit what I call the education-fundamental error, that is, the idea that children have not to be rewarded or praised  for doing what they should do (e.g., to socialize  with others) but should always be reprehended or even punished for any misdeed or undesirable behavior (e.g.,   Children’s deficit in social skills).   

(2) Be an attentive mother to all of your child’s behaviors (your question shows that, fortunately, you are an attentive mother).

(3) Do not appeal to power assertion, that is, do not try to control your child’s undesirable behaviors by appealing to your physical power or control over certain resources such as toys, fruit-gums, and the like [See, Hoffman, M. (1970). Moral development. In P. Mussen (Ed.), Carmichael's manual of child psychology (Vol. 2. pp. 261-360). New York: Wiley), p. 285]. (e.g., “if you do that -- do not socialize with peers for instance -- you won’t have toys anymore”)

(4) Do not appeal either to what Hoffman called withdrawal of love, a kind of blackmail in that parents try to control the child’s undesirable behavior by threatening him/her with unpleasant psychological consequences, such as, “if you do that -- to hit your sister, for example –then  mom does not like you anymore”. Thus, in the withdrawal of love strategy parents give a direct, albeit not physical, expression of their disapproval of the child’s misdeeds or undesirable acts.  

(5) Appeal to what Hoffman called inductive or explanatory practices. Contrary to power assertion and withdrawal of love discipline strategies or practices, in inductive or explanatory practices parents try to get the child’s adherence by explaining to him/her the negative effects of his/her misdeeds and undesirable acts on others (e.g.,” if you not socialize with your sister she will be sad”).

(6) Be an authoritative, not an authoritarian or permissive mother when dealing with your child’s or children’s misdeeds, undesirable ways of acting (see, for this respect D. Baumrind’s several writings on parenting styles). An authoritative mother/parent is demanding but warmth; an authoritarian parenting is demanding, but cold; a permissive mother is guided, so to say,  by the slogan “laissez faire, lesser aller, laissez passer"; lets it go).

(7) When trying to foster your child’s initiative to socialize with peers do not want to go much fast. Think, for example, than your child’s ability to socialize with peers takes time and doesn’t occurs all of a sudden. In this respect, there is a maxim that says: “Go slowly, because I am in a hurry”. This is also means that the ability to interact with peers can be seen as an activity that involves several steps and, as it were, sub-goals. For example, try to socialize your young child first with a close relative (his/her brother/sister), then with a more distant relative (e.g., a cousin), and final with non-relative peers. It has been found that a certain target is more easily attained when its attainment is seen in small steps. Bandura’s work on social and on cognitive-social learning testifies on the behalf of this my practical suggestion.          

(8) Do not forget to dress your child, say, in a beautiful way. Of course, children are beautiful in themselves. Even so, the more they are dressed up, the more beautiful they appear. There is mounting evidence that shows that a beautiful child attracts more attention from, and interacts with, others -- be them adults or children – than, say, “ugly” children, such as may be the case of a badly dressed child. Note that the true, the good, and the beautiful are universal categories, regardless of how they are seen at different places and times. The more a child is developed in cognitive, moral and aesthetical terms, the more s/he is likely to interact with others, even when others are peers. This should occur because, all things being equal, a developed child tends to have a high self-esteem and interact easily with others (see next point).      

(9) Make everything you can do in order to foster and develop, for example, your child’s sense of competence, autonomy, intimacy, efficacy, esteem, and the like. I am sure that you know of what I am speaking about. All of these senses are, so to say, important psychological senses, something we could call psychological vacines. There is no drug that generates and fosters such senses. This means that they greatly depend on your style of mothering. For instance, there is mounting evidence that shows that an internal locus of control (see J. Rooter’s work), and a high self-efficacy (see A. Bandura’s ideas on self-efficacy) are positively associated with the child’s sense of autonomy and competence, just to cite two examples. For instance, you foster your child’s internal locus of control whenever you show him/her that the more s/he socializes with peers, the more peers socialize with him/her. Albert Bandura, as you certainly know, also found, for example, that the more one has a high sense of self-efficacy, the more one achieves what we want to. As your child is in lack of some social skills, try to foster his/her sense of self-efficacy. A sense of intimacy with others is part and parcel of a healthy life. Because of this, when you foster your child’s sense of privacy you are fostering his/her social skills. Contrary to what seems to be case. the senses and autonomy and intimacy are deeply intertwined. Suffice it to say that if one is capable of establishing close relationships with others – intimacy -- then the others consider him/her as a partner who is entitled to have respect and esteem from others – autonomy. When adolescents consult a clinical psychologist they often say, for example, that their parents want to have a total control over all of their behaviors, attitudes, and the like – i.e., parents do not recognize adolescents’ sense of autonomy and identity -- or/and that parents do not know almost nothing about their adolescents’ concerns, problems, etc. --  i.e.,  parents  do not value adolescents’ sense  of intimacy.

(10) Educate your child/children toward a person-oriented perspective, not to a position-oriented perspective. In other terms, make everything you can do such that your child comes to understand that people should be treated, for example, with respect and justice, because of themselves, not because of their socio-economic status, gender, ethnicity, and the like. There is also much evidence that shows that children who live in person-oriented families are much more developed in emotional, social, interpersonal, prosocial and moral terms than those who live in position-oriented families. Findings also show that person-oriented children are more intrinsically than extrinsically motivated (see for this respect Deci’s theory of self-determination).

(11) Do not forget that children are fragile creatures, and hence we should take into account their rights. One of them is that children have the right, as it were, to have voice, mainly on all matters related to their rights and duties.

(12) Do not forget that children are not adult-like creatures. The idea of a child as a homunculus or an adult in miniature was cogently destroyed by Piaget’s monument oeuvre on one’s cognitive development. Piaget was able to show that children’s intelligence is qualitatively different from either adolescents’ or adults’ intelligence.     

(14) Do not forget that, albeit fragile and generally innocent creatures, the period or reign, say, of childhood is not necessarily a paradise. We all know about or heard from negative behaviors (e.g. bullying) on the part of school and even preschool children.

(15) Do not forget that children are perhaps the best of what exists all over the world. As Fernando Pessoa, a well-known Portuguese poet, used to say, great is the poetry, the goodness and the dances; but the best in the word are the children.

(16) Take into account that parents have also rights and children have also duties. This means that parents not have to put aside all of their rights as parents and citizens while educating and socializing their children. Moreover, unhappy parents easily made of their children unhappy children.

(17) Note that however much you try to solve any of a child’s problem, no solution is possible without an active engagement on the part of the child. This is consistent with Piaget’s constructivist and holistic approach to one’s education and development, that is, with Piaget’s idea that without an active personal involvement, no real development or education takes place. 

I could make this list a longer list, that is, a list with more items. Be that as it may, I hope that my informal suggestions may be useful hints to help you in your child’s education and development in general, and his/her deficits in social skills in particular. There is an African proverb that says that an entire village is necessary to raise e a child. May be the same could be said of solving a child behavioral problem. This means that, while educating a child or trying to deal with some of his/her possible emotional, social, prosocial and moral deficits, we cannot follow, say, a shortcut, but we should rather choose a demanding track. In this respect, it is worth mentioned that it is said that Alexander the Great (356-323 BC), king of Macedonia, once asked his tutor, the Greek geometer Menaechmos (380- 320 BC), to teach him a shortcut to mastery of geometry. Menaechmos is alleged to have replied that for traveling through Alexander’s country there were royal roads and roads for common citizens, but in geometry there is only one road, and this (difficult) road is the same for all people [see, for instance, Heath, T. (1921). A history of Greek mathematics. Oxford: Clarendon Press.]. However trivial it may appear, a child’s cognitive, emotional, social, and moral problem, for instance, should always be addressed, not through a shortcut, but via a demanding track or procedure.

 Of course, to have grounded ideas about children’s development and education is a means to address in scientific way problems which, as parents, we see and find in our otherwise beloved children, even when the problem is our children difficulty with socializing with peers.

I hope that I have got your point and that this helps, 

Best regards.

Hi Ruochong,

Your question is relevant. This is my question too and when I was working in a Child Hospital, I had decided to build a special program for children with autism. Two articles have been published in french and an other in english is not published yet.

The purpose of this program is for socialised children with their peers and developed psychic link in their mind. They have to understand the use to communicate with peers and that the peers’ group can help them.

Thus I create a psychodrama time for them. But it was different from the ones who exist all over the world because I introduce two new rules for children with autism and a mediation, fancy dresses.

Otherwise this kind of psychodrama’s group develop relationship between children and the way they express themselves : verbal or non-verbal communication. They can express what they mean. If you’re interest I can send you by mail my article in english unfinished. It’s not on researchgate.

I agree with Albert about the way you describe the child. It’s sound not really autism. I am working with Hight Potential Ability person (gifted persons) and it sound to me like their personality. They have the same behaviour with their peers ! And 3,5 years old is very young, my 2 children haven’t a lot of relations with the other at this age (ok they are gifted ;)))

Be careful about diagnostic ! Really often in France, professional psychiatrists who make diagnostic mistaken between HPI and autism (when it’s asperger and TED). I have to correct it. In my country clinical psychologist can make a diagnostic so I can give a second opinion because I’m using testing too (it’s not « opinion »). We are not only interested in psychologic problems as Orlando says, but may be clinical psychologists are different in Lisbon, I don’t know.

By the way I find Olando's intervention really right. I love Piaget’s work too. I am fighting hardly against adult power assertion on their child. In France it’s a calamity ! In 1992, 85% of parents spank their children may be because parents are facing alone with the child. I love the African philosophy about the need of the others to raise a child : the peers ;)

I agree too on child’s education : we are all human beings, all child need the same road to be raise to integrate society. Psychologic’s problem must be treated independently of social integration even if it’s really important to work at socializing children with autism. In France we’ve got multidisciplinary team for that reason. When we treat psychologic problems we introduce the potentiality to accede to social state of course.

Well, I hope that I have could help you with psychodrama. And thank to the replies who make me think.

Best regards.

Hi, some children need to be explicitly taught the 'hows' and 'whys' of playing. They may need to be taught how to initiate interactions or respond to initiations from others. Typically an adult would teach the child the games the other children are playing and then help the child perform these skills with one other child, gradually increasing the number of children. Skills such as turn-taking and losing gracefully may need to be taught. How other children feel may need to be taught. Some teaching strategies for children who have difficulty with theory of mind include Social Stories and Comic Strip Conversations, both by Carol Gray Many children want to interact but don't know how. Joining a group can be difficult so an adult leading the way can help break the ice. The steps can be broken down and modelled by an adult. Structuring up games and using objects as focal points can help children who struggle with lack of structure and lack of imagination.

I have learnt a lot working with children that are considered to be in the autistic spectrum. While interacting with them, I was not thinking if they were autistic or not. The most important think was to understand the way they thought, the way they react to the stimulations, and what they were able to do. If we understand that, we would be capable to reinforce their abilities, to know the best way to communicate with them, to give them support to face their struggles (such as engaging in social interaction). With all this information, it would be easier for us to help the children to feel loved and confident to face their own emotions and overcome their difficulties.  

If you have time, take o look at Temple Gardin history.

I think we need more information,

1) Does he have been diagnosed with autism, even in this "grey zone" by a  psychologist?

2) What is his behavior when, for instance, you go to a park and there is another kid of his age playing. Does he look at him/her? Does he start playing alone near you or near the kid? Is that play similar to that of the kid in the park?

Hi Ruochong Zhang i am curious to know how your child is doing after these years? I ask because we have a similar case in my family and was wondering if there are any recommendations based on your experience! Thank you very much for your input!

Hello Ruochong Zhang,

I am also curious to know how your child is doing after these years? I ask because we have our 4 year old son who does not want to interact with peers, but is very good in speech and talking to parents. I am wondering if there are any recommendations based on your experience! Thank you