The question has to do with a running discussion about the secret of a happy marriage, so I asked an additional question, which didn't be discussed before.
The couple needs family therapy to resolve this issue. Obviously there are unmet needs.
The couple needs family therapy to resolve this issue. Obviously there are unmet needs.
If marriage is successful and based on mutual love and confidence between husband and wife, then it will last for life and neither of them will think of a new love.
After 20 years of married life, it is not an illusion to be truly happy with an another partner? 20 years of common life are 20 years of common life. That's my whole argument:) But I am aware that unmet needs and erotic and sexual motivations, and also new attention from a new partner, can be very strong. It is a kind of acute psychosis, which we call "falling in love", and this kind of psychosis is normal even in happy wedlock.
Fascinating topic. I have two published articles in this regard about making it for the duration and the factors which kill a marriage. We enter "marriage" with high and sometimes unreasonable expectations. We are also primarily motivated by sexual passion. In time, this SP does fade to varying degrees. Commitment then becomes extremely pertinent. In time, psychosocial intimacy occurs and seals the bonds. Especially we men can separate love from sex.
Thanks a for this topic.
To all: Dear Colleagues, threefold thanks for your answers!
This is wonderful, only a small circle is ready to react on this question. But all answers are of high esteem in my view for a high-quality debate. Because all relevant aspects are mentioned:
firstly, the adherence to the unconditional loyalty of the spouses who give love, the great love which - under normal circumstances of free choice of partner - all newly married spouses feel their community to be happy and inseparable.
Second, the insight that although modern marriage today offers much greater opportunities for both partners to develop shared happiness than ever before, this does not mean that marriages that begin happily suffer from conflicts that the spouses themselves cannot resolve. The thought of therapy is an important option to clarify mutual unfulfilled expectations, and much more.
Third, there is a view that directly addresses the question and sees it more in an affirmative sense. Marriages can be regarded by both sides as unfulfilled after decades, and let us assume that both spouses are in the profession and successful in doing so, suddenly one gets to know someone, who one is completely enraptured by, with whom one falls in love.
Then in my experience there are three possibilities: You see this as a temptation, but you still don't want to endanger your own marriage. Then you have to know the expectations of the person appearing as a "temptation" and, if necessary, decide not to follow this temptation, but to clarify the situation with the regarded person.
The other possibility is to start an intimate relationship with he new partner. Getting out of this without serious conflicts and without psychological injuries, your wife (or husband) has to suffer, is not imagible, and difficult. Thus the marriage, which was initially happy, is turned into a façade by one of the two spouses (or by both if both have other partners), connected with lying, pretending and alienation. It is very rare that there is a complete equal distribution of power in the marriage, usually one spouse is much more disadvantaged in this situation than the other, even if both think of divorce. The divorce in advanced years has the advantage that there are no little children normally.
Thirdly, it may well be that divorce is the best solution (although it can be very painful). However, it could be the more honest way for both spouses, and a new beginning with another partner succeeds - even in a so-called "patchwork family".
If we look at the statistics on marriage duration in Europe, for example, it becomes apparent that today a considerable proportion of marriages are not divorced after three or seven years, but very late. These new partnerships can't all be unhappy marriages, because in old age people think very carefully about how much life is left and with whom they want to spend it.
I know all the cases of marriages: that even after the golden wedding (50 years married) this living in mutual confidende is still carried by a love that is as strong as on the first day. Nevertheless, both partners must have learned to endure the imperfections of their beloved spouse. But I also know marriage as a façade, where in old age both spouses have another partner with whom they go on holiday. And I know happy new beginnings of divorced marriages. I prefer lifelong partnership and I am happy with my wife, but every now and then I remember of an situtaution of tempation I could escape.
Dear Hein Retter,
Following are information collected and presented here for your happy successful married life.
Marry a person who could become your best friend.
Marry a person who you are sexually attracted to. Some people say it is the inner beauty that matters but I don't think it is true. Intimacy is part of marriage and at a bare minimum you need to be attracted to your partner.
Stay in the same shape (or better shape) as when you married. Don't let yourself go, especially not when your partner keeps staying fit.
Talk, talk, talk. The less you talk, the fewer conversations you have, the colder the relationship gets.
Have some common friends you can have a drink with or coffee with as couples.
Have some friends on your own and let your partner have his/hers. You might have marriage issues time to time and you need friends to discuss these with.
Do fun stuff with your spouse that both of you enjoy. Also Do fun stuff your spouse enjoys only.
If you have kids, still keep dating your spouse. Dates are crucial.
Don’t expect your spouse to do more housework than you unless she/he is staying at home.
If you are the breadwinner don't think you are superior.
When you argue think about this: will this argument matter in 5–10 years from now?
Mutually respect one another’s interests.
Don’t lie, cheat and bullshit. Honesty is the building block of a successful relationship.
Listen and pay attention to your significant other. Learn as much as you can about him/her. Get to know him/her as deep as you can. This will help you understand him/her.
Don’t manipulate him/her.
Let each other make choices. One day you choose the movie, next time it is your partner.
Go through different life experiences together. Travel together, try new things together. These create strong bonds.
Respect your partner and his/her values.
Dont try to change your partner too much, it won't work. It is better to choose a person who is way closer to your ideal partner than choose a “hot” one and expect him/ her to act like he/she is not. For example, if you marry a bad boy, you have chosen poorly and soon you will be fighting about him cheating. Bad boys don't change.
Before you marry, see if you could live with that person 10–20–30 years from now. A person might be fun and funny, but maybe in 10 years’ time that won't matter to you if she/he will never take out the garbage.
Remember, marriage is constant work. If you stop working on it, it will go bankrupt emotionally.
Finally I can say trust and mutual understanding are the two important key for successful relationships.
Best of luck.
Sadanand Pandey
Thank you for your carefully elaborated comment. It is a nice overview (there is no harm in the scientific discourse if one indicates the source of information). Do you think it would be useful if they were given to the fiancées as well-intentioned marriage advice by registering the wedding with the local authority?
In our discussion, such a list of advice for good partnership is stimulating: Maybe couple therapists can it hang on their door if they have too many registrations. Then the counsellors read the advice and decide to follow it closely for a month - each spouse individually. Now my question goes back to you: Will they really then have interrupted the process of alienation? I am very sceptical because following a collection of advices is difficult - because many such advicesb are contradictory if you take them both into account in your own actions. Some pieces of advice - such as being honest - are more common sense and create the feeling that the normal marriage state before is actually lying and cheating.
As you may have noticed, the male sex dominates as the recipient of the advice. Not both partners together (salutation: you-plural), but only one partner (salutation: you-singular), gets the advice - it applies preferably to the husband. The advice obviously doesn't come from a woman who would say certain things differently. I think they come from a man.
Religion plays an important role that is not addressed. Today, we live in a world of mobility and communication. As a good adviser, one should advise against marriage if the bride and groom belong to different religions? Or are not religious at all? The traditional religions attribute authority and control over the woman in marriage to the man. Should this continue to exist today, or should equality prevail? May the woman be unfaithful if the man is unfaithful? That is where the more difficult questions begin.
i hope that your answer (and my comment) on this thread will lead to a discussion. Thanks for your effort!
Hein Retter
"marriage" at least here in the US is under assault big time! I have 2 published articles in this regard on Brain Blogger. And certainly intimate unions are now beyond traditional male-female coupling. One of my constructs in one of my articles focuses on what I refer as "psychosocial exchange" paradigm. There are 4 essential components which I refer as MEET: materials, energy, expectations, and time. For each partner and when these are completely met, marriage is more satisfying for each person. when not, they are in a state of "psychosocial bankruptcy".
And BTW, having children, decreases marital satisfaction, especially in the male in "traditional" coupling scenarios.
I really enjoy these exchanges here.
Thank so much for raising it!
Rich
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