Jane Elizabeth Thomas .... Jane, We are not the same. Everyones bodies are unique. The way each of us responds to and recovers from exercise, medications and surgeries is unique. People from the same family are unique. Geez, even our fingerprints are different. Today we prefer to have flexible gender. The sameness of sexual desire would negate all the latter. And negate the essence of being human & living and evolving in all forms. I suggest the question is different than why are we all sex starved. Why do we define its as a terrible problem. Why do we. use to create barriers. Why do we think it's unique to todays cultures ? And...why do we think -same- sex desires or any other sameness is a desirable achievement??

I think you are missing the point. Please read the quote I provided! The mismatch in sex drive is between men and women. Most men have a high sex drive. Most women have zero sex drive. This is the problem that many couples are faced with. Typically the woman is blamed for the situation. This is an injustice and does not acknowledge the effort women make to satisfy male needs over decades. Men need to be more appreciative of their female partners. Respect and consideration may even get men a little more sex.

Jane Elizabeth Thomas ........ ok, lets assume I missed the entire point You're focus is on men. I think thats too narrow. This discussion is ancient as mankind and is part of most life forms. I'm trying to broaden and get to what the question(s) really are. ––– also...I just re-read "Mis-Matched Desire" and came away with with a different idea of what Benitta Arndt is trying to get us all to be aware of. To continue you'll need to ask a question......

Thanks for commenting Lee. I would suggest that if you don't understand the question, then you probably cannot answer it.

Jane Elizabeth Thomas Jane__ Really ??? - you really are saying, “you don't understand the question, then you probably cannot answer it.”. That’s the easy way out. — And, considering the topic, a form of denial. – however I will abide by your conclusion - this will be my last post.!!!

In your other R-Gate question you said, “sex is transactional and men have to compensate the receiver (male or female) for the pleasure they obtain from penetration. There is no such thing as unconditional love. We love someone because they respond to our emotional needs. Men want sex. Women want affectionate companionship. It's a compromise or a symbiotic relationship.”

I don’t agree. Like others, I too. believe that’s extremely biased. It reminds me of “norms” left over from post-war 1950’s. And typifies the narrowness of this discussion, that is, “sex is transactional “. Geez, I’m sure it is. But as demonstrated in the stories we’ve been telling one another since the neanderthal men and women (both) experienced an emotional responses to being with each other and being “held and touched” its an awfully narrow part of our sexuality.

What you define as transactional is a rather modern and western expression that lets us analyze and make studies about “sex”. Bluntly put, “transactional” is a safe way to talk about sex. It corrals sex into a business/academic topic; easy to discuss and publish. Also, it validates blaming men.

Back to your question…I suggest it's not denial. This is simply hard to comprehend. It's a recognition of the depth and complexity of the difference in every male vs female life form. You want to focus narrowly on human men; suggesting they are fully capable of not hurting women spiritually, mentally, socially and at times physically; while the men wish women would change.

In the same way you turn away from my posted comments men turn away by from the significant complexity they face by offering little more than eons of that same wish.

You seem to think you can isolate this “behavior” show it roots, its patterns (transactional et al) and a few of the results. I think this is rooted in evolution of all life forms. Made of and informed by; genetic, hormonal, biological, social, religious, educational, recreational and and cultural influence -- likely many more. A special and very big area that influences your question is included in the mystery of creating life. We study and watch every life form do it. Yet in this area the difference in the genders to create and grow a life remains a very hard topic to discuss. Even in this area we know little about one another.

In the last paragraph I spoke of the many parts that I believe should be included in why we’re not the same or have same sex drive. I consider another more important than all the others -and- at the root of my idea that we are inherently not the same. Love is missing. Yes, we are mis-matched. And in my opinion, by nature. Yet tens of eons ago we created and continuously recreate love to help us be opposite and together.

Not sure why you are commenting on a sexuality question. You have no background in sexology and no knowledge of the research findings. Men need to accept that they are not experts in female sexuality. They need to consider why women rarely comment on sexual issues. They need to respect the fact that sexuality deserves respect as an academic topic. It is not just a question of debating uninformed opinions.

Jane Elizabeth Thomas ............In my “culture” we don’t photograph our faces, & don’t boast about out accomplishments, especially on line. — Most people simply ask. ----

What do they ask? What stimulation of what anatomy and what erotic turn-ons cause male orgasm? Who do they ask? Sexologists? Where does the wisdom over sex come from? Research findings or pornography? I have asked the world at large as well as sexologists. Most people refuse to answer my questions. I am providing answers for future generations of couples who have questions to which there are typically no answers.

Jane Elizabeth Thomas ..... My statement, “Most people ask” sent you in a tizzy. In context it said, most people ask me about my gender and professional background. Instead you weaponized both**..

Since the late 1990’s and into today people have begun moving from a focus on parts to a whole. Led by biologists and physicists this sensibility expresses the idea of seeing a “continuum”. Obviously I’ve been unable to present that to you. Or, maybe, you have other beliefs. Doesn’t matter. You’ve pre-decided one way to “see” is best. Rather than sexuality as a “continuum” of genders (gender fluid et al) you prefer focusing on the male gender. In itself it makes sense. **The rest is a bunch of “distracting noise”.

It is helpful if scientists comment on subjects they are qualified in. This involves being familiar with the research findings in the relevant area plus being informed about the topic in terms of being able to provide facts and explanations. Even sexologists struggle to do this. You have no background in sex research. Please find someone else's work to comment on!

Jane Elizabeth Thomas _____"the problem of mismatched desire" reaches far into every facet of humanity. in the last 80 years we've done an untold number of studies on sexuality and even more magazine articles telling us how to improve our mismatch. Your answer is do another study and ignore anything and anybody that does not fit your "science". All a mystery to me. - I'll leave you (literally) with a question, "how come no one else is posting comments"????

Men feel entitled to comment on female sexuality as if they know it all. Why don't woman comment? Because men don't listen to a woman talking about her own sexuality. Men think they know better. It's called sexual ignorance.