Is it OK if we always try to be perfect?

Dear Radostina Alexandrova

Your main question is the following: Is it OK if we always try to be perfect?

Let me start by saying that your question is an interesting question and has far-reaching implications, namely to the way we look at children’s education. In C.S. Pierce’s terms, your question is, as it were, an “irritating” question, that is, a question whose response may lead us to see an issue differently from what it used to be the case.

Of course, answers to your question greatly depend on how one defines perfection, namely how one distinguishes perfection from excellence, concepts that are quite different, as shown in Behrouz Ahmadi-Nedushan’s cogent answer.

As far as your answer (answers) is concerned, I have the following to say:

(1) We should recognize that perfection and excellence is not the same thing. The underlying message in perfection is not that we should be the best we can be, but simply that we should be the best, that is, to be “perfect”.
(2) Excellence reminds us of persistence, superior performance, and the commitment or compromise to do something exceptionally well. Thus, excellence requires risk, effort, spontaneity, hard work, and extending yourself to reach your full potential. In contradistinction, perfectionism breaks up a natural curiosity to learn, inquire, discover, invent, and the like.

(3) As nobody is “perfect” -- it is often said that only God is perfect and that humans often make mistakes --, perfection is never attained. As such, to pursue perfection necessarily leads, among other things, to stress, frustration, permanent doubt, and constant self-criticism. In this vein, it is misleading to say that people succeed because they are perfectionists. Rather, some people perform excellently in several fields, despite their perfectionism.

(4) It is a big mistake to encourage clients, children, and people in general to struggle with perfectionism. Doing this is tantamount to encourage people to search for the impossible – that is perfection. Saints, for example, can be perfect. Humans, for instance, are, fortunately, only capable of excelling in several domains, such as Karl Gauss’s achievements in mathematics or Shephen Hawking’s breakthroughs in physics, just to cite two examples.

(5 Perfectionism is about the fear of failure, while striving for excellence is the urge for success. In other words, perfectionistic people are generally oriented to a morality of duty in which children, for example, do not have to be praised or rewarded for doing what they should do (e.g., to excel in writing and reading), but should always be reprehended and even punished for their misdeeds. As excellence means to search for “good standards, not “perfect or unattainable standards” -- Aristides righty remembers us that “perfect is the enemy of good” –, excellence-oriented people are guided by a morality of aspiration, a morality in which children, for instance, are praised or rewarded for attaining good, and even reasonable academic, social, or moral standards, but not reprehended or punished while failing in the attainment of such standards.

(6) In perfectionism, the focus goes more to end products and visible outcomes than to the processes underlying such outcomes. Mistakes are not tolerated. This is not the case of excellence, which is more focused on the underlying processes than the visible outcomes. Piaget’s theory, for instance, provides us with many examples of children’s “correct” answers relying on undue psychological processes and of due and appropriate psychological processes underlying “incorrect” answers. In other words, the wise idea that mistakes are sometimes the most valuable part of one’s education and development is at variance with perfectionism’s idea that mistakes are not tolerated, because they are an unbearable sign of imperfection.

(7) What are the signs that show us that our children, for example, are perfectionistic as opposed to focused on excellence? Too often, perfectionistic children (and people) focus on mistakes rather than what they did well (see my point on the difference between a morality of duty and a morality of aspiration). Many, if not all, perfectionistic children (and individuals) find it hard to laugh at themselves and have a true sense of humor. As perfectionistic individuals have many exceptionally high, and often unrealistic expectations for themselves, they end up being self- critical, self-conscious, and easily embarrassed, disturbed, and the like.

(8) Perfectionistic children (and people) tend to have strong feelings of inadequacy and low self-confidence, in spite of evidence to the contrary. Accordingly, they tend to avoid taking risks for fear of making mistakes. This fear of failure can be so strong that, say, they freeze up, and never get started. Other perfectionistic children may get started, but have trouble completing projects for they never look perfect enough to be finished. Also some perfectionistic children have difficulty making decisions (for fear of making the wrong decision) and prioritizing tasks. They tend to be sensitive to criticism and can be emotionally guarded. Some gifted children, who are accustomed to excelling, may be especially vulnerable to perfectionism. Unfortunately, we all probably know of very bright and talented students that seem to be chronic underachievers because they don’t take the risk required to excel and achieve.

(9) Perfectionism, like excellence, should not be seen as a nothing-or-all, and a totally dichotomous phenomenon. This means that we can think of degrees of perfectionism and excellence, and that a child can be perfectionistic at certain times and places, and excellence-oriented on some occasion, but not on other ones.

(10) Unfortunately, nowadays, mainly in Western societies, the children are focused on wearing the “perfect” clothes, getting “perfect” grades, having the “perfect” social life, maintaining the “perfect” weight, and the like. Some are even worried about getting into the “perfect” school instead of focusing on getting through grade school. Some children divide their time between worrying what they did wrong in the past and worrying about how they will do in the future. In a word, we may say that they are missing the “here and now”. The goal of being perfect is unattainable, and is almost guaranteed failure. One will always fall short of this goal and the end result will be a feeling of helplessness and stress Extreme perfectionism has even been linked to low performance, social anxiety, eating disorders, migraine headaches, obsessive-compulsive disorder, depression, and even suicide.

(11) All that said, I think that our children should not be educated in a social world where it is always OK, almost mandatory, to try to be perfect. Appealing as this idea may be, as documented in most of my previous considerations, such an idea is, in principle, highly detrimental to children’s and our happy and healthy life. It is good enough that our children look for excellence. As you certainly know, the Greek mythology is often about heroes who generally wanted to challenge the power of their gods by trying to be so powerful (and sometimes perfect) as their gods. As you certainly know, these heroes were generally strongly punished by their supposedly powerful and perfect gods. By trying to be powerful, Sisyphus, a king in ancient Greece, offended Zeus. As a consequence, Sisyphus’s punishment was to roll a huge boulder to the top of a steep hill. Each time the boulder neared the top it rolled back down and Sisyphus was forced to start again, again, and again…

I could present some suggestions so as to educate children to strive for excellence without promoting perfectionism. While presenting such suggestions we should follow a demanding track, not a shortcut. In this respect, it is worth mentioning an episode that occurred when Alexander the Great (356-323 BC), kind of Macedonia, asked his tutor, the Greek geometer Menaechmus (380-320 BC), to teach him a shortcut to mastery of geometry. Menaechmus is alleged to have replied that for traveling through Alexander's country there were royal roads and roads for common citizens, but in geometry there is only one road, and this difficult road is the same for all people. We psychologists often appeal to shortcuts in our otherwise ingenious endeavors to deal with complex issues, such as is the case of the issue raised by Radostina Alexandrova. However, the more often one chooses a shortcut, not a rigorous track, the more one is likely to be lost in the interim, and the less one is likely to accomplish the intended goal.

Best regards

PS. Dr. Thomas S. Greenspon, in his book, Freeing our families from perfectionism, gives you several suggestions to help focus your child on striving for excellence without promoting perfectionism.

Aristidis Matsoukis Popular answer

I agree with the phrase 'Perfect is the enemy of good'.

So, in my opinion, it is not ok if someone always tries to be perfect. This does not mean that he/she must remain stale.

The balance is a private matter of each person. Life is not only science, not only family etc.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perfect_is_the_enemy_of_good

Aristidis Matsoukis

Behrouz Ahmadi-Nedushan

Perfection is not attainable and perfectionist persons are not effective when they deal with different tasks. Here is Stephen Hawking thoughts on perfection:

“One of the basic rules of the universe is that nothing is perfect. Perfection simply doesn't exist. Without imperfection, neither you nor I would exist”

- Stephen Hawking

I think that should not aim for perfection and should strive for excellence instead. There is a difference between perfection and excellence

Perfectionists strive for impossible goals. Pursuers of excellence enjoy meeting high standards that are within reach.
Perfectionists value themselves by what they do. Pursuers of excellence value themselves by who they are.
Perfectionists, when they run into difficulty, get easily overwhelmed and give up. On the other hand, pursuers of excellence experience temporary disappointment, but they keep going.
Perfectionists can be devastated by failure

refer to the following link for more details on comparison of excellence and perfection

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/shyness-is-nice/201301/pursuing-excellence-not-perfection