Dear Kamal, That is pinnacle of emotional intelligence, and high emotional quotient. But some people believe that anger can deliver positive results too. But there are reverse opinions as well.

Dear Debi, I agree with Kamal. I do not believe anger is needed or cathartic.. People who get easily angry with any situations live shorter.

Let the time help you, since anger is an almost instantaneous sense. After some time you can think and react properly.

Hi,

From an EI perspective, I would think that assertiveness rather than aggression would be a key skill to develop. Being assertive allows one to communicate their wants and needs in a non-combative manner and also helps to ensure that one is not mistreated by others. Aggression, in my opinion is rarely a positive response to any given situation. However, as it is a natural instinct and often the first, pre-meditatied response to an unwanted or threatening stimulus, it can act as a useful trigger. If we learn to recognise it at an early stage, aggression can help to orient us towards potential dangers or issues that need to be addressed in our everyday lives. Once we do recognise aggression, we can then reflect and respond in a more healthy and constructive manner. However, if we fail to do so, in my opinion, this can often (in fact I would say usually) only exacerbate the situation!

I think Aiden has a good point. If some one can control anger in all situations that is a great virtue. It does demonstrate that the person has developed a high sense of emotional control and inter-personal skills, and uses alternative means to tackle the other person who is causing the provocation.

I will tell you a story that supports this point of view.

Once I was waiting to Board a Delhi flight at Amman airport. A woman was also waiting for the same. She was of India origin, was a psychologist, and was coming from London. We started talking on mugging up of non-whites by the British youth, which was being reported in the press those days. She said that once she was waiting on a deserted train station when three youths menacingly came towards her, and she felt that they were about to attack her. One of them said to her, "Do you know people are hungry, and you look so well off." She said, "I did not get scared at all; kept my calm and replied to them; oh is it so, here is the money for you." She said she very confidently and swiftly took out some money from her purse and gave it to them. They took the money and quietly left without harming her at all.

So the moral is that, keeping calm in tense situations has tremendous power, as it enables you to think. And, anger obfuscates thinking. If we reply firmly or assertively, as Aiden says, but politely it can make better impact.

Dear Debi, this is how good narratives and stories works ! Of course she probably had her soul on the shoulder (an idiom - she was thrilled), but sensibly directed their attention, assuming probably, that hunger had so many meanings and faces. Finally she won.

I agree with you Beata. Indeed, that is what worked in this story. You will agree, this was also emotional intelligence, one essential feature of which is self regulation (control). And, this shows how much it can benefit you if you do this.

In leadership theory also, one of the leader's traits envisaged is tact and keeping calm. The leaders have to essentially demonstrate this behavior vis a vis their followers. Since they follow conflict of interest situations amongst followers and have to handle people's anger, including at the leader, this type of behaviour of articulating meaning, as you say Beata, can be of immense help in one's win.

Just imagine this was not a single situation but those guys would have shown up the next day...

"In leadership theory"

Correct me if I am wrong: But I don't see the point here that she was able to have a proper influence here. This was rather a robery than a "win situation". At least she was not physicaly harmed. However she had to leave feathers, hadn't she? And did you ask her if she maybe avoided to wait there (or in similar situations) alone after this happened? Beside that we don't know if those guys maybe learned something "positive" out of this situation. I bet they rather learned that it is quite easy to press money from strangers. Just show up as a group and be shameless and you will get what you want.

So: How can this story help the kid that gets bullied every day or the woman that has to face abuse day per day or the workmate that gets harrased? There are people out there who are just ill-minded. Staying calm and confident is not always the best reaction. Especially not if situations are already established. Not everyone is confident by nature. It is simply not part of their personality. No matter how hard they try this self regulation thing. But honestly: Let's say someone who experiences really annoying situations every day suddenly changes his/her coping strategy and tries out to show more cofidence. What I think is that this might work quite good in hollywood movies. But in real life this will be for sure useless in most cases or even lead to more violence as someone who is used to experience respect might think "Now more than ever!" and raise the pressure.

Dear Carmen, I think of what you pointed out, and think such coping may be optimal for one such event, not everyday reaction for robbery. What she won ? Maybe not being raped or own life. In some environments people can be killed for money, before even conversation starts. Dear Carmen, of course there are different strategies for regular bullying and I agree being calm isn't long run solution.

I share some story from my field research in 2007-2010, and tell not of anger, but of rapid excitement and unpredictability in the field. I interviewed once young men with schizophrenia and intelelctual disability (double diagnosis), who I never knew before. During about an hour he changed rapidly his behaviour, changed rules in written consent. He wasn't in fact very dangerous I think now, but rather surprising and much unpredictable for me.

He became more active and insisted me take new for me actions. For example he forced me suddenly to make him pictures, by my mobile, because he doesn's want to be anonymous informant, in the research report. He changed eye contact, starting without any in the beginning of the interview, to very, very intensive. He changed distance from wbout 1,5 m to 50 cm with constant touching my arm, shoulder, when he wanted my quick attention and respond.

Concluding I want to say, I agree with Debi's ideas of anger (sudden excitement too) management. Staying calm can be good option. I stayed calm, and while he became more excited, I followed his requests, of making him images, etc.I was alone in room with him. The room was lacked from inside by myself, because the others informants were curious and frequently entered the room. I knew in the final reports I will follow his decisions, in prior written formal consent, because publishing his personal data could make him harm.

Carmen: You are envisaging something that was not my intention to comment upon. Was it a small thing that she saved herself from being attacked/mugged, and also robed of all the money in her purse? That was my intention to show. That she did by controlling her fear and showing confidence; something similar in case of anger.

Here are some ways how to control anger at work!

http://www.workdyn.com/tools-AngerMgt.html

I can't help thinking the world would be very dull if we were all calmly assertive all of the time; there is something about passion that moves the soul whether for good or for ill.What about Jesus' angry outburst in the Temple ? It was a destructive act but destructive towards corruption, would it have had the same impact if he had been calm and assertive?What a dull and passionless story that would have been.

Having said the above he was also very calm when being purposefully provoked.

Dear Jenny, original way of thinking. Btw, Jesus also could have worst day ever at the Temple and just have lost his temper.

Let's play trivia: Who is the author of this quote -> "Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody's power and is not easy."

Btw: I guess nowadays we have to take a different look at this quote as anger gets more and more this antisocial touch. It is not something that clever people have to deal with. One might say we are meanwhile kind of alienated from this actually essential emotion, letting it go for the sake of a different cognitive (but slower) weapon. We better choose this kind of creepy calculated gentleness. Just don't get angy. Today: Anybody could become angry as it is actually in their nature. But nowadays it's hard to get angry with the right person to the right degree at the right time for the right purpose in the right way. Especially when the one you should be angry with behaves so calculated kindly as if they are worried about your feelings.

What comes to my mind: Clever generations of fruit flies who are not anymore able to breed because they are too busy making choices which fruit could be poisened and which not.

Anger is not a bad emotion, in fact in can help us negotiate around a difficult situation. For example if you are being physically attacked you would need to be able to defend yourself. However, how we respond to any situation is entirely up to ourselves. If we allow anger to completely take us over in so far as we do things that we regret later, then it is not good. We don't have to explode to express our anger, there are far more subtle ways to show the other person we disapprove of their behaviour. Uncontrolled anger only serves to make an explosive situation more explosive. If a person shouts abuse at you and you hurl abuse back, what has that served? I would argue that in our society it is the peace maker that is seen as weak. I on the other hand love the peacemaker. A person who can stand back from an argument and rather than accelerate it, can actually defuse the situation without lose of face, is a winner in my books.