To be fair women are also guilty because she does not feel confident or comfortable to say to her partner, 'Hey, sex needs to be about what I want. And tonight it’s going to be an all-about-me-night; which means a full body massage and no intercourse. Next time we’ll focus on your fun.' (Trina Read)
Implicit within marriage is that a man is expected to support the family and a woman is expected to cooperate with her husband's desire for regular intercourse. It is men's willingness to pay for sex that makes it transactional. Even with casual sex, men usually accept paying for dates or taxis. Men's much greater interest in sex is transparent and leads them to offering rewards to incentivise women to please them. Some women feel sexual power because of these rewards they obtain in exchange for sex.
I agree with António José Rodrigues Rebelo. A couple, either gender, cannot reduce an emotional relationship to a contractual or transactional relationship. Otherwise, what happens? It places the stimulus for the sensual action on pause or on hold during the negotiation. Nothing like splashing cold water on it!!?? We become the opposite of what we are, as sensory beings, transforming a relationship into quid pro quo.
I suggest that you are unwilling to admit the implicit obligations within human relationships. Love involves obtaining what we need emotionally from another person. Men need sex. Women hope for romantic love. So women need to provide regular sex and men need to provide support and companionship. Without sex and without affectionate companionship there is no intimacy for either sex. But sex involves effort for a woman and communication involves effort for men. Whether you like to admit it or not.
I am making the suggestion to not have this negotiation in the bedroom, just prior to making love... I would want to have this discussion outside of the bedroom, in a non-sexual-way, but in an honest and vulnerable discussion of mutual intimacy wants and needs between two partners. Need I be more descriptive? Perhaps at a casual dinner, perhaps sitting outside enjoying a beer or glass of wine, or even perhaps in a mutual discussion with friends.
I think it is likely that discussions occur away from the immediate sexual scenario. Men are too distracted to think clearly if sex is on offer. The question is: what do women want in bed? Is Tina correct that they want more sensual lovemaking, kissing and caressing, or perhaps a body massage? Women never seem to have a clear idea of what genital stimulation they would want with a lover. I have concluded that this is because they are not aroused so genital stimulation doesn't make sense.
Most married women are shy when it comes to sexual issues.
Some due to their culture, it is an assumption that any woman who ask her husband for sex is wayward
Women are not aroused with a lover. No one can name even one female erotic turn-on. If they are not aroused, they are not having orgasms. But also the lack the motivation to seek genital stimulation. It has nothing to do with culture. It is the same worldwide. Women's lack of interest in sex is due to biology. The clitoris is much less responsive than the penis but also women's minds respond to many fewer erotic triggers. Female arousal is largely subconscious so most women never discover orgasm by masturbating.
Jane,
I request statistical and/or research information on these conclusions.
1. Women are not aroused with a lover.
2.No one can name even one female erotic turn-on.
3. Women's lack of interest in sex is due to biology.
4. The clitoris is much less responsive than the penis but also women's minds respond to many fewer erotic triggers.
5. Female arousal is largely subconscious so most women never discover orgasm by masturbating.
You are a women.
What arouses you with a lover? Please name at least one EROTIC turn-on that causes your arousal and makes orgasm possible. What other reason do you believe explains women's silence on sexual matters? How do you explain that no one had heard of female orgasm or the clitoris before Kinsey in the 1950s? He emphasised that female orgasm is associated with clitoral stimulation and female masturbation. But it is much rarer than he realised because women mistake emotional sensations for orgasm with a lover. Kinsey's work is the only statistical research work that has ever been done on human sexual response. He found that men are much much more responsive than women and want higher intercourse frequencies.
It is true that it is hard to point out exactly what triggers arousal in a lover but arousal may occur from the dynamic of the relationship, even virtual and at a distance, from fantasizing in women, even of an early age and then translate into real life experience after foreplay including kisses and caressing. But no specific gesture or touching in particular. Unless previous sexual experience helps the body expect pleasure and trigger arousal. I guess it is built on positive experiences and safety felt in the situation. And if the woman feels attracted erotically by the lover (which implies she had the opportunity to choose: A. the lover, B. the moment. I think women's sexual needs are underestimated and rarely considered as legitimate. And they still face social condemnation if they express them (in every culture). Men rarely acknowledge that women too have sexual wants, needs, urges but influenced by hormonal levels which fluctuate and not only (emotional safety too).
Thanks for all your comments Javiera! Please keep going but perhaps spread them out a little! It's been quite a marathon responding to all your comments. No one can name even one female erotic turn-on with a lover. Clearly women are not aroused and therefore not having orgasms with a lover by any means. Men want intercourse and this is the easiest sexual interaction for a woman to offer. Intercourse involves her in much less effort than oral sex or masturbation, for example. Male sex drive determines heterosexual interaction. But even lesbians use non-genital lovemaking based on upper body kissing and caressing rather than genital stimulation with a lover. This is due to the fact that women are not aroused as men are. They are not aroused by real-world erotic turn-ons as the receiver of intercourse. Responsive women who masturbate to orgasm use explicit erotic fantasy to achieve arousal and orgasm but this technique does not work with a lover. A woman's sexual role is to facilitate male orgasm.
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