… it’s time to talk about what most men could initiate more of, and that is non-sexual intimacy. … It involves any kind of intimacy that isn’t centered around sex. It can include making time to talk, cuddling, engaging in fun activities together, and so on. (Stephan Labossiere)
The online Cambridge Dictionary gives the following definitions of intimacy: (i) a situation in which you have a close friendship or sexual relationship with someone: Intimacy between teachers and students is not recommended.
(ii) things that are said or done only by people who have a close relationship with each other: It was obvious from their witty intimacies that they had been good friends for many years.
(iii) the state of having a close, personal relationship or romantic relationship with someone: He was always polite, but he shunned intimacy.
At least two definitions include sexual and romantic relationships. I don't think men insist on interpreting intimacy as involving sex, but it is the socio-culturally acquired acceptation of intimacy deeply-rooted in the mind of Anglo-Americans that includes sex as part of its meaning. If you like, the problem is linguistic or more precisely semantic tightly linked to the meaning attributed to intimacy. In cognitive linguistic terms, the root problem relates to social cognition.
Women are looking for affectionate companionship. Most men find it challenging to engage on the more companionable aspects of intimate relationships. Men tend to do rather than talk. Women hope to share their lives with a lover. Romance starts this process. But over decades of a committed relationship, men tend to see sex as a right. They do not see the need to give back by engaging on the communicative aspects of two people living together. Adult relationships are just as much about talking/communicating over issues as they are about regular sex.
Jane Elizabeth Thomas, your topic is very interesting and important but your generalization about men's attitudes towards intimacy is problematic; for example, this topic should be investigated in various cultural and demographic contexts to see if differences are recorded.
Can you suggest any cultures where men are not sex-obsessed and where men are willing to spend hours listening to what a woman says? Men insist on sex but meaningful communication is also a vital part (not optional) of adult relationships. Men have not evolved the capacity to appreciate non-sexual intimacy because of their acute arousal and the pleasure they enjoy from intercourse. Would you be happy with a non-sexual relationship? Most men do not stay in relationships where a woman does not offer regular sex.
Ms. Jane Elizabeth Thomas, again, your generalizations and opinions (e.g., "Men insist on sex...," "Men have not evolved...") are problematic. ResearchGate is a networking site for scientists and researchers; it is not a space for personal questions and anecdotal answers. What significance would it hold if I were content with a non-sexual relationship? The subjective opinions of either you or me on this matter are inconsequential. As I suggested earlier, this topic should be investigated in various cultural and demographic contexts to see if differences are observed. After a well-designed and conducted investigation, the data could contribute knowledge on the subject and pave the way for further research.
I am using common sense, which is vital to science. If we cannot express truths such as men are much more interested in every aspect of sex than women ever are, we will get no where. Women refer to sex as lovemaking because they are offended by the crude sexual urges men express. They prefer to describe their motivation to engage in sexual activity in terms that accord with their emotional responses. Can you name even one female erotic turn-on? No arousal = no orgasm. I am pointing out the truths that no one is willing to acknowledge. It has nothing to do with the tiny samples that other sexologists use to prove the result they want to establish. It is about expressing the view of millions of women who refuse to comment. You are male and therefore hardly qualified to comment on the points I raise. You could ask a million women about orgasm and you would only get confusion. Most women have no idea what is involved in sexual response because they never masturbate. They think that they should orgasm from intercourse because it is the only time that their genitals are stimulated. They are disgusted by specific genital stimulation and eroticism. Clearly they are not having orgasms. Shere Hite referred to emotional orgasms - loving emotions that are confused with arousal and orgasm with a lover. If you have never had an orgasm, you have no way of knowing what it is. That explains why women ignore all the fuss that men make about sex and orgasm. They are just not interested.