If I,

Anthony St. John,

Were

the United States’

Ambassador to Italy…

I.

I would order immediately—with the consent of the President—all ambassadorial and consulate personnel in Italy to the new United States’ Embassy in Afghanistan.

II.

I would require all personnel attached to my offices throughout Italy to speak the Italian language.

III.

I would demand immediately that all members of the

Central Stupidity Agency serving in Italy be returned to Washington for intelligence testing.

IV.

I would make a compartment of a Ferrovie dello Stato train my ambassadorial office and travel throughout Italy

Mondays through Fridays.

V.

I would create a television program, An Afternoon Communicating with the United States’ Ambassador to Italy,

to be presented every Saturday from 4 pm-6pm,

with phone-in and cultural segments.

VI.

I would apologize to the Italian people

on behalf of all previous United States’ ambassadors (cretini!) who served in Italy and did not speak Italian

and did not communicate with the

Italian people.

VII.

I would create the United States’ Embassy

of the Italian and American Peoples—open to all

without being a clubhouse for representatives of special interest groups.

VIII.

I would seek to open a dialogue—in italiano, finally!—with

the Italian people.

IX.

I would seek to bring Italians and Americans together

in a spirit of friendship and respect.

X.

I would seek to enhance, throughout the world, the role of both Italy and the United States of America

as examples of peace and goodwill.

1 January 2002

Anthony St. John, The Outside-the-Box Ambassador